Tales of Irrational Rage

Having some variation on anger issues is nothing new for me.  By my middle school years, my family referred to me often as a volcano for the way I'd explode, usually on an inanimate object.  Hair wasn't smooth in my pony tail?  Flying brush!  Computer wasn't spacing the way I needed it to?  Beat it!  Sister looked at me the wrong way?

You get the picture.  Anyway, it's really not just anger I guess.  I'm emotional in general.  When I feel something, I feel it fully and intensely.  And I'm bad at hiding it for anyone that knows me well.  I cry during commercials, I don't back down from confrontation (though I never start it), and I literally skip and jump when I'm happy.  But back to the totally irrational anger.  

I have no patience for what I deem incompetence or for anything that sets my life back in some minor capacity.  If someone is taking too long or being terrible at what they do, or not letting me do something I feel is completely logical, I fill with rage.  My blood starts to boil and I get all freaked out internally. Today, my sister called me out on it.  The lady at Costco refused to accept my mom's card from me, and though legally she really isn't supposed to, I got all mad at her for doing her job.  I realize I'm in the wrong here.  Hence why it's irrational anger.  Just the anger at me having to pay for the company Costco run until I can get reimbursed?  Not a big deal in the grand scheme of things.  But in the moment, all I could think about was how hard would it really have been to just let me use the damn card.  If I stole a Costco card, my first purchase wouldn't be computer paper and a few boxes of cashews.  

While driving home is when things got really intense, as they tend to when anything out of the ordinary extends my travel time.  I already have a really long commute.  The average time it takes me to get home is around an hour and fifteen minutes.  I've come to terms with this.  I hate it, but I expect it.  No need to fuss over it.  So today seemed to be no different.  Until I got to the city where my usual route was blocked without a sign until it was too late, causing me to have to back track and adding an additional thirty minutes to my drive.  Truth?  This is not a huge deal.  What was I really gonna do with that thirty minutes anyway?  Go running?  ha.  haha.  That's funny.  But inside of my car I was a raving lunatic, screaming and cursing out every single vehicle in my path just for their sheer existence.  How DARE they be commuting at the same time as me!?  How DARE all of this construction be improving my city?!  How DARE they have a street festival for all the city to enjoy and be setting up today, blocking the street I take home??!!!  

Then I get home and find that I have my first "dislike" on a YouTube video since I started making them in January.  This did not bring about a sense of anger actually.  This one was defeat.  Albeit there are 58 "likes" on my page total.  And now one "dislike".  Obviously, it's bound to happen.  I'm not that good.  But this one happened on the video I think I like the most.  My cover of Umbrella!  All I'm doing now is trying to picture the person that didn't like it enough to press the button.  I've never "disliked" a YouTube video. Even ones that suck.  I wanna be like, what can I do to be better??  Tell me!  Why don't you like me????   

So every time I'm feeling all of this anger at civilization or sadness or despair (that one usually over stupid love or lack there of), the universe has this uncanny way of making some nice, good on paper guy whose heart I tore to shreds after a few dates start up a conversation with me.  Why do these kind souls still like me after I showed them so little kindness in return?  Why do these people still want to be a part of my life?  Is it true that the ruder you are to people the more they want you to like them?  Maybe that's where I'm going wrong.  Every time I actually like a guy, I get all nice and sweet and gooey.  I want to be like "Here are cupcakes with hearts on them!!!  Let's hold hands!!!"  (don't worry... I'd never actually do that) but maybe they can sense that I'm being all nice and find it gross, the way I find really nice people kind of gross sometimes. 

Anyway, when I'm in these moods, these nice people make me super duper angry.  Like irritated to the fourth power, causing me to be extra mean.  

I'm not really a mean person.  Most of the time?  

Today I ate Costco samples, a Starbucks turkey sandwich, two mini banana split cupcakes and now am off to get a delicious salad with a girlfriend where I can vent my not real problems.